Scattered Thoughts
Over this holiday I have had the opportunity to truly reflect on some important issues. I look at how far I have come and can say I have definitely overcome large hurdles. I have managed to successfully get out of an alcohol ridden home and have overcome multiple levels of abuse. The greatest abuse of all is self abuse. When you begin to believe that the negativity surrounding you is all there is to life, you lose a large part of your heart, your humanity. These challenges were nothing more that a bump in my road. I stood strong and passed through to a smoother journey. But know I look and I see that maybe I'm not doing as great as I thought. Financial struggles continue to surmount, and raising my child differently that I was raised has posed some new obstacles in my way. In my attempts to remain strong I see myself shedding new layers and new tears. I have somehow grown to accept the cards I have been dealt rather than reshuffling the deck. So what has changed? What has made me complacent in my ways? Is it that my life has simply changed so much in these last few years? A new child, new home, and a new marriage can definitely side track you and even more so, change your life in many ways. The greatest joy I have ever experienced is being a mother. The greatest feeling of sorrow I have ever experienced is looking at my own mother and her lack of progress or change after so many years. In my recent visit to her home, I was thoroughly upset at what I saw. I love her dearly, but I just don't understand. I have made it my life goal to be different than her, to run my household better, and to expose my daughter to many diverse things. With all of these goals and all of the hard work I have done, I find my self slipping into familiarility. Somehow those actions give me a sense of comfortability. Maybe it wasn't so bad growing up in that house...maybe.... As I strive to make the life of my family richer and infused with {tough} love I know that I will face struggles. The goal is to overcome the struggles and to teach my daughter that no obstacle is too large to overcome. It will not be easy, but most things worthwhile are not easy. I have to remember not to let my emotions get in my way. My family shall succeed....
-This brought me to tears. I can reflect to my own situation. Living with a mother who had had 28 children all different men, with a father who gives away his own children for drugs. coming to a near death experience being left in a home on fire. . the day my life changed was when he took me to my aunte & uncles house (mom & dad) who have been raising me for 15 years now..and said 'im going to the store i'll be back' and never came back. I think alot of times what was he thinking when he did that. I still have not met him personally & still is debating on if i want to. I have alot of questions i feel to be answerd. I cant help to lay in the bed every night and ask myself "why he never calls on my birthday, or holidays, why hasnt he made arrangments to meet me, and if he really cares"..i have found the answer to the last ? and came up wit ..yes he does,if he didnt he wouldnt have left me in my hme now, because only god knows where i would be ,& what i would be doing..& i thank him all the time for that. im happy where i am, even if some times it may not seem like it. but im not letting my past bring me down, im moving foward to be the best young women i can be and what i w as taught to be.
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ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that you realize that 1. this is not your fault, it is God's plan, and 2. that you are better off now. Life throws use curve balls everyday, it is up to us to hit a home run or strike out. Finding and meeting your father is a ig decisionand you have to understand that before you make afinal decision. It is a very emotional process and you may not be prepared for it. Im speaking from experience and will blog about it at a later date. Stay positive nad remember that your mom and dad want the best for you.
=).. I appreciate you blogging this to, because like Ican just talk to, and relate to what others(u) and myself been through, and i can actually talk to somebody with out them being judgemental, or having something negative to say. I'm steal trying to do what i think is best for me & you know(the army) because the situation i'm in no money has been saved for college and i want to be something that nobody else in my family ever was.& i'd rather die in honor than die over something stupid. I have done alot of things in my younger years i can say im really not proud of, but im working on it and trying to correct it. i've learned from my mistakes....and most important...THANK U =)
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