Uncharted Territory

Today I was driving on a familiar road near my house and I had a flashback. I was in the car with my ex husband and my kids, headed to Applebee's. I was driving. I remember he was already in a bad mood that day. I turned a bit wide and was too close to the median for him. He got so angered at me and spit in my face. This memory caused a tear to fall from my face as I thought about how terrible I felt in that moment and what my kids had just witnessed. In the grand scheme of things, this was minor compared to other things he had done, but to me it was simply disgusting. To spit on someone is childish and highly disrespectful. I quickly pulled myself out of that terrible memory and placed my focus on what I have now. 

I thought that my ex loved me, because I was naive. He swept me off my feet and swooned me into loving him only to destroy me. This happened over and over again until I plotted to get out. That plan took years to ensure my safety. All the while, I managed to play a cooperative wife. I still carried on my wifely duties the best I could through my pure disgust for this man. 

I am so grateful to have met a man who has shown me what love actually looks like. A man who understands that the emotions I work through as I heal often leave me feeling exhausted. A man who is willing to sit in the silence with me as I sort it out. A man who I can be vulnerable with and have no fear. A man who has never called me out of my name. A man who has never belittled me to my children. A man who is nourished by my heart and soul, not my sex. A man who understands intimacy is so much deeper than sexual security. A man who is loyal, honest, and raw. 

This man is amazing. He is always there when I need him and allows me to vent. He is mindful of boundaries and can point out things I may have missed without making me feel dumb. He is smart, playful, and sweet. He is interested in building a bond with my children and I. He is educated but doesn't hold that over others, but rather aids in educating those around him. He is versatile and strong. Hes my big teddy bear. In his arms and his presence I feel safe. I've never truly known that feeling before, but I now know that it is peaceful.

My entire life, I have been thriving in pure chaos. I am now, at 33 years old, learning to thrive in happy. It feels like uncharted territory, which at times makes me uneasy. All I know is that I'm excited to continue this journey, to thrive and see what awaits me in love, life, and family.