Sarah Speaks It

I think I've figured it out now Why these last few weeks have been so hard No one taught me how to be alone There were always about seven people in my home They taught me strength They gave me thick skin Made me a survivor And the will to win But what I'm lacking is the ability To be completely alone When the kids go to bed and the house is quiet I simply hide behind my phone It's a fantastic distraction From the silence in my home In the silence I cry I fear and I worry My mind becomes overwhelmed And I go into an emotional flurry No one taught me how to be alone Alone with my thoughts Alone with my flaws Alone with my accomplishments Alone with my all So I sit here as I learn How to cope How to be all alone

My soul shakes everytime i see it My heart aches with every kiss Comfort found in those eyes Our souls connected And pain still lies In the depth of my heart The abyss of my soul My mind says yes But my heart says hold Don't want to be selfish But I must be heard My gut wrenches with each hit on the wall Unable to find peace with it Even though I see joy in your eyes I want you to be happy I don't know that you’ll ever understand That I'm fearful because of the past There's been a lot of pain It has simply festered inside I push along with the strength of a queen But when my soul is shaken It surfaces with a sickness I can't control the words, emotions, or tears They flow like a hurricane As my gut wrenches and turns in circles All of this and I’m still exhilarated Im anxious to see where this goes I enjoy the moments when we’re together I crave that feeling more and more Tell me what to do Help me unde

I haven't slept as much as I need My eyes are tired My soul is weary Some days I feel that my strength Is failing me But then I move on Take another step Cook another meal Diffuse another fight And tuck them in another night I choose to fight My head hits the pillow My heart and soul are heavy Yet sleep still escapes me So I pop up and wander about Too often I find myself at the fridge Maybe a snack will help me drift I lie back down, close my eyes Sleep still escapes me No matter how hard I try The wind is whipping fiercely outside The sound is eery It makes me uncomfortable inside Each day brings a new challenge A seemingly sudden surprise I shuffle the cards once again And rework the deck I was given I have no choice but to keep going I refuse to be beaten by you again Just a few more months And maybe I can rest Once it's final and our marriage Is a thing of the past Through all the stress I don't regre

Read that again. Let it sink in. Do you understand? When we are in a cycle of trauma we go into fight or flight mode. In my case it was all about fighting. I fought so hard for what I believed in, for everlasting love and the sanctity of marriage. I went into survival mode. Most times, I wasn't even aware I was in this mode. I was simply doing what I had to do to survive, to get through each day. Each night I prayed and each morning the fight started over. It was my own personal groundhog day. As I’ve started telling my story and sharing what was really happening behind my closed doors, people often question how I did it all. They comment on how strong I am. That wasn’t strength, it was survival. Unfortunately for me, I became so good at survival that it looks like strength. The true strength is in the healing that is happening. Healing to me is more painful than living through the trauma. Healing forces me to look at my emotions, to deal with them, to understand them. That

There is beauty in emptiness. It is often where we find our greatest strengths, although easier said than done. You are a cactus in the vast empty desert- able to withstand what would break anyone else. The loneliness is creeping in I lie in bed staring at the wall Craving someone next to me Someone to hold me In that moment I feel broken Tears begin to flow I tell myself, just take it slow This is the hard part of healing You must do it alone Reality seeps in Rushing like a broken dam There’s no stopping it Only thing to do is face it, Ride the wave strong All I want is a hug So I squeeze my pillow tight Until I drift off into the night Hours later, I wake again To an empty bed, empty phone What feels like an endless storm This too shall pass, I know But in the moment I can’t help but Cry, curl up, and fold Fold to the pain Fold to the thoughts Fold to the tears streaming down my face I knew I’d have rough days But I could

Read that again, make sure you let it sink in. This is the truest statement I've read recently. We all have demons but we are not all capable of speaking on them. We have demons often brought on by trauma, whether at an early age or possibly from a tragic event. The problem is not necessarily the demons we battle but the willingness to talk about them in an effort to overcome them. Easier said than done, I know. The truth is that until we begin to talk about them and find ways to deal with them, they will continue to control our lives. That control they have will lead you into the same reoccurring situations time and time again. It's quite tragic really. Now I understand that there is a stigma about seeking mental health help but it doesn't always have to be a trained professional thay helps you to deal with these demons. Sometimes, simply writing about it or speaking in a trusted circle of support is what works. Where are you in your life? In today's world, social

So this photo came across my Instagram feed today and it spoke to me. I've always advised my friends that love comes to you when you're not looking. What I never thought about was being prepared to love. How do you prepare to love? How do you know you're ready for the sacrifice that comes with the love we all desire? There will be times when love is hard, contrary to what we see portrayed on TV. So, how do we as responsible human beings truly prepare to love? To me it starts with self love, because if you can't love and value yourself, how can you possibly love someone else? Love is an extension of ourselves. It is a part of our soul and heart that we lend to another in hopes of getting the same in return. It isn't something to be toyed with or taunted with on social media. It comes with an understanding of compromise, trust, and faith. It entails sticking by someone through both good and bad. It means making sacrifices to sometimes appease your mate. It means th

I’ll give you my last because I have a heart of gold I feel your pain, because we're connected in our soul I won’t ask for much in return Just give me respect and treat me with care See superwoman is still fragile Like beautifully blown glass Just the right amount of pressure will make me crack I can handle the weight, but even I need a break So love on me Tell me you care Laugh with me Caress my hair I’m a diamond in the rough You won’t find many like me I’ll love you deep and help you see See the beauty in love The joy in peace The happiness of friendship The soul of a family All I ask is that you’re open to see As it turns out, that’s all I need An open mind and a heart that’s free

Standing at the window Watching the rain Brings a sense of peace Yet my mind is wondering Is there a man for me? Independent as can be Strong as a rock But I still want a man to love me To hold me and to listen To laugh and relax See I met this dude Cool as can be I'm feeling him and I think  he's feeling me Our vibe is chill Just need to be sure he's real I can tell he's guarded Which is what people expect from me The truth is I detached so long ago My heart isn't hurt now, just my ego I'm looking for someone who shakes my soul All the right moves, but that last nigga left me skeptical Swept me off my feet And left me in the cold My loyalty is true Trust me when I say I got you So don't be fooled by my tough exterior Deep down in there is a heart waiting to be secured I learned as a child I couldn't depend on another So I handle mine without a wink I move swiftly, had enough time time to think

True beauty is not defined by the style of our hair, clothes or the make up we wear. A queens beauty is in her heart and soul. You see, Her strength is her beauty which she holds high for only those worthy.  Don’t let the world fool you, beauty resides in your soul if you choose. Take time to enjoy the small things, live with care, give a hand to those in need, and don’t be afraid to take a knee. Stand up for your beliefs, but don’t belittle those who see differently. Love fiercely, but with ease. Rest easy, and in peace. You see all of things are what creates your beauty, not these images on TV.

I saw this as I was browsing Pinterest today and my wheels started turning. How true is this? I imagine the post was meant to reflect that a man will always show you he loves you if it is true. What is missed by many is that he will always remind you when it's not as well. If you're consistently being called stupid dumb, lazy, or worse you are being shown a feeling. This is toxic! A person who resents you will always show you. Subconsciously, no matter how hard we try there are some emotions we can not hide. It will show in the way he acts, the way he devalues you without batting an eye. Pay attention because of you have to wonder how he feels, he has already shown you. Believe it, act on it, and leave it.

From the ashes I rise Like a phoenix full of strength Like a woman, phenomenally You kicked me down and held me there But now I am free and I can see See clearly just who I am With each passing moment I feel my passion return My soul has fire in it and just started to burn You see, you dimmed my light for what you thought was eternally But deep inside I knew that wasn't me God did not create me to be meek He forged me out of fire and gave me a voice to speak To speak loud, to speak clear To use my words for good and to care To care about those less fortunate and Those not as strong as I He made me a saving grace so Other women and men can rise Rise from the pain Rise from the suffering Rise from the demons that reside inside So I ask you now to join my hand Rise with me for together we stand We stand tall, strong, and fierce For when we stand together No evil sword shall pierce We stand in full strength The body armor of love

Today I was reminded of the cruelty I endured For so many years I was so blind It happened right before my eyes You hurt me over and over again And had the nerve to say it was justified The stains on the wall were caused by oil splattering as it falls Oil that you hurled at me as I tried to leave What kind of man throws used grease At the woman he calls his queen? I'm sorry did I call you a man? You should be offended as you could never be that grand A man who loves a woman wouldn't do her Like you did me You cheated double digit times Because you THOUGHT I did All the time I forgave you in the name of love and family And each time I broke a little more inside I couldn't love you the way you did me My soul was too good for that I couldn't cause you physical pain, At least not intentionally There were times I fought back But there were more where I curled into a ball You never made it obvious which was the worst part of it a