Healing Heart

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Read that again. Let it sink in. Do you understand?
When we are in a cycle of trauma we go into fight or flight mode. In my case it was all about fighting. I fought so hard for what I believed in, for everlasting love and the sanctity of marriage. I went into survival mode. Most times, I wasn't even aware I was in this mode. I was simply doing what I had to do to survive, to get through each day. Each night I prayed and each morning the fight started over. It was my own personal groundhog day. As I’ve started telling my story and sharing what was really happening behind my closed doors, people often question how I did it all. They comment on how strong I am. That wasn’t strength, it was survival. Unfortunately for me, I became so good at survival that it looks like strength. The true strength is in the healing that is happening. Healing to me is more painful than living through the trauma. Healing forces me to look at my emotions, to deal with them, to understand them. That is painful. It hurts. When you are surviving through a traumatic experience, you don’t have time to deal with the emotions you have. Shit, you aren’t even aware of the emotion. It just drains you, but you don’t even realize why. Taking time to truly identify your emotions, work through them, accept them and learn how to overcome them is the true painful part. For years, I have pushed my emotions to the side for the sake of others and in the name of survival. Now as I move forward, they rise to the surface and float around me. Some days it feels like I’m drowning in this pool of emotion and reaching for my life jacket. Some days, it’s like trying to catch your breath in a bad dream….

But in the end, there is a rainbow. This phase of healing won’t last forever and when it ends, I will come out shining like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. When the healing is over, a new beautiful soul will emerge. Please bear with me as I deal with my pain. I will have ups and downs, good days and bad, but I promise I’m bouncing back!
He

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