Sarah Speaks It

I think I've figured it out now Why these last few weeks have been so hard No one taught me how to be alone There were always about seven people in my home They taught me strength They gave me thick skin Made me a survivor And the will to win But what I'm lacking is the ability To be completely alone When the kids go to bed and the house is quiet I simply hide behind my phone It's a fantastic distraction From the silence in my home In the silence I cry I fear and I worry My mind becomes overwhelmed And I go into an emotional flurry No one taught me how to be alone Alone with my thoughts Alone with my flaws Alone with my accomplishments Alone with my all So I sit here as I learn How to cope How to be all alone

My soul shakes everytime i see it My heart aches with every kiss Comfort found in those eyes Our souls connected And pain still lies In the depth of my heart The abyss of my soul My mind says yes But my heart says hold Don't want to be selfish But I must be heard My gut wrenches with each hit on the wall Unable to find peace with it Even though I see joy in your eyes I want you to be happy I don't know that you’ll ever understand That I'm fearful because of the past There's been a lot of pain It has simply festered inside I push along with the strength of a queen But when my soul is shaken It surfaces with a sickness I can't control the words, emotions, or tears They flow like a hurricane As my gut wrenches and turns in circles All of this and I’m still exhilarated Im anxious to see where this goes I enjoy the moments when we’re together I crave that feeling more and more Tell me what to do Help me unde

I haven't slept as much as I need My eyes are tired My soul is weary Some days I feel that my strength Is failing me But then I move on Take another step Cook another meal Diffuse another fight And tuck them in another night I choose to fight My head hits the pillow My heart and soul are heavy Yet sleep still escapes me So I pop up and wander about Too often I find myself at the fridge Maybe a snack will help me drift I lie back down, close my eyes Sleep still escapes me No matter how hard I try The wind is whipping fiercely outside The sound is eery It makes me uncomfortable inside Each day brings a new challenge A seemingly sudden surprise I shuffle the cards once again And rework the deck I was given I have no choice but to keep going I refuse to be beaten by you again Just a few more months And maybe I can rest Once it's final and our marriage Is a thing of the past Through all the stress I don't regre

Read that again. Let it sink in. Do you understand? When we are in a cycle of trauma we go into fight or flight mode. In my case it was all about fighting. I fought so hard for what I believed in, for everlasting love and the sanctity of marriage. I went into survival mode. Most times, I wasn't even aware I was in this mode. I was simply doing what I had to do to survive, to get through each day. Each night I prayed and each morning the fight started over. It was my own personal groundhog day. As I’ve started telling my story and sharing what was really happening behind my closed doors, people often question how I did it all. They comment on how strong I am. That wasn’t strength, it was survival. Unfortunately for me, I became so good at survival that it looks like strength. The true strength is in the healing that is happening. Healing to me is more painful than living through the trauma. Healing forces me to look at my emotions, to deal with them, to understand them. That