A Chapter is Not the End

I saw and shared the above quote on Facebook today. I share many things because I relate, it inspires me, or makes me chuckle. This one in particular, spoke to my soul. I have said that I am uncomfortable asking for things from those I am close to. I was married to someone for 12 years who each time I spoke my wants, my desires I was shut down or made to feel insignificant. This led to me keeping them to myself. I now have a habit of allowing thoughts to sit on my mind without speaking them. This can be something someone said that didn't sit right, a small yet revealing action I picked up, my intuition pinging, a sexual desire, or an unmet expectation. The problem is that when we hold these things in, we become resentful. If we don’t speak what is on our mind, we can’t expect the other party to know. People are not mind readers, but damn do I wish they were at times. Being fully vulnerable is hard when you’ve lived your adult life in a toxic relationship. You are relearning what love looks like. You are learning how to love a person that isn’t asking for anything but love in return. You are learning not to take every single thing personally. Now, add to that- while you want to keep communication open and free, you also don’t want to make a new love feel like they need to walk on eggshells. I don’t wish to change anyone nor do I wish to be changed. I wish and work hard to be healed, but I’m still not sure what that looks like. How do I verbalize my wants without breaking into tears? What if he doesn’t respond in a natural way because it may trigger me? These thoughts plague me regularly. I am working and eventually I will spill the beans, I just need that to happen before the pot boils over. I do not hide that I am currently in therapy to get to the bottom of this and work my way to a full and happy healing. Let me be clear when I say that I am happy. Happy does not mean healed though. There is so much healing that still needs to take place. Some of my trauma still taunts me. I still have what I refer to as bad mental health days. Most days are good and filled with laughs and smiles and creating memories, but there are days that I still feel sad without expectation or explanation. I don’t know when I will get to the point that I am fully comfortable expressing all my wants, needs, pains, and desires but I continue to work on it. I refuse to have the trauma I experienced define the remainder of my life. My trauma is a chapter of my life, but not the end of the story. If you are reading this and can relate, or have a loved one that has been traumatized, continue to work towards full healing, have patience, and don’t give up on love.