Sarah Speaks It

So many emotions flowing Nothing but time  Gives way to thought You can no longer ignore your reflection As the mirror follows you It is quiet yet strong Powerfully moving Retrospect is everything The same question keeps coming What do you want? I still can’t find the words I can, however, point the finger Directly at what I do not want I owe it to myself not to settle Not to build you up But join you in a kingdom How is entrance granted Simply get on my level Meet my hustle Match my ambition No victimization Rather, find victory Strength and poise Not anger and hostility No longer can I ignore the flags Crimson Red Blinded by my wants Not guided by my needs I’m moving differently I’m moving solo Setting myself free Quarantine has been good to me I’ve learned so much Setting myself free From old bonds Bad soul ties Free from the thoughts inside of me

I saw and shared the above quote on Facebook today. I share many things because I relate, it inspires me, or makes me chuckle. This one in particular, spoke to my soul. I have said that I am uncomfortable asking for things from those I am close to. I was married to someone for 12 years who each time I spoke my wants, my desires I was shut down or made to feel insignificant. This led to me keeping them to myself. I now have a habit of allowing thoughts to sit on my mind without speaking them. This can be something someone said that didn't sit right, a small yet revealing action I picked up, my intuition pinging, a sexual desire, or an unmet expectation. The problem is that when we hold these things in, we become resentful. If we don’t speak what is on our mind, we can’t expect the other party to know. People are not mind readers, but damn do I wish they were at times. Being fully vulnerable is hard when you’ve lived your adult life in a toxic relationship. You are relearning wha

Today I was driving on a familiar road near my house and I had a flashback. I was in the car with my ex husband and my kids, headed to Applebee's. I was driving. I remember he was already in a bad mood that day. I turned a bit wide and was too close to the median for him. He got so angered at me and spit in my face. This memory caused a tear to fall from my face as I thought about how terrible I felt in that moment and what my kids had just witnessed. In the grand scheme of things, this was minor compared to other things he had done, but to me it was simply disgusting. To spit on someone is childish and highly disrespectful. I quickly pulled myself out of that terrible memory and placed my focus on what I have now.  I thought that my ex loved me, because I was naive. He swept me off my feet and swooned me into loving him only to destroy me. This happened over and over again until I plotted to get out. That plan took years to ensure my safety. All the while, I managed to play a

He held me tight And I silently sighed For the first time in years I felt safe, I felt protected I knew in that moment it was real I would never have to fear this man's touch As I have with the one before The past and the present are incomparable One is dark and ugly While the other is bright and beautiful A sudden tingle ran through my body From head to toe It felt like love Strong, safe, gentle, and bold It felt so right For the first time in my life Like completing a puzzle My body fit so perfectly in his My soul was at peace That one moment Made me see clearly That this man was made for me He's so patient Kind and understanding The Ying to my yang Have I really found the man for me? He took my breath away With only three words I was frozen for a moment Wondering why I still felt scared Again, he understood I wasn't looking when we reconnected As I recall, neither was he One year later, we're both sti

I need to be loved, not saved And therin lies the problem So many people need to be a savior They miss the blessing in front of them My intuition never lies When I go against it, I end up teary eyed This makes my heart so heavy but my spirit strong I'm feeling a bit broken I'm sure that wont last long I just need to be loved I just need to be held I need to collapse in your arms Lay my head upon your chest Not speak a word Just lay in silence, with deep breathes Let my soul speak to yours And allow my mind to rest Up late into the night I crave this intimacy And I'm left to hug my pillow tight The tears flow and isolation sets in Eventually I drift away To wake up and try again You see, I am an extrovert and feed off of the energy around me Isolation doesn't suit me In fact, it makes my mind crazy

Standing at the window Watching the rain Brings a sense of peace Yet my mind is wondering Is there a man for me? Independent as can be Strong as a rock But I still want a man to love me To hold me and to listen To laugh and relax See I met this dude Cool as can be I'm feeling him and I think  he's feeling me Our vibe is chill Just need to be sure he's real I can tell he's guarded Which is what people expect from me The truth is I detached so long ago My heart isn't hurt now, just my ego I'm looking for someone who shakes my soul All the right moves, but that last nigga left me skeptical Swept me off my feet And left me in the cold My loyalty is true Trust me when I say I got you So don't be fooled by my tough exterior Deep down in there is a heart waiting to be secured I learned as a child I couldn't depend on another So I handle mine without a wink I move swiftly, had enough time to think  I w